


Wanna Fly With You

by orphan_account



Category: GOT7
Genre: Amnesia, Angst, Attempted, Car Accidents, Flight Log Trilogy, Gen, Hard Carry, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Panic Attacks, Sad, fly, never ever
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-13
Updated: 2019-06-13
Packaged: 2020-05-02 11:43:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,197
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19198084
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Every morning I wake up it feels like a dreamLike the brilliant sun is shining just for meToday, like always, my day starts with youFly - GOT7





	Wanna Fly With You

**Author's Note:**

> Trigger Warning: Please read the tags. This story has triggering content and I want to make sure if you get triggered by certain topics, then please don't read. 
> 
> Thank you for reading and don't hesitate to let me know what you think/leave a kudos! Love you guys <3

Jinyoung woke up slowly with his senses gradually taking in his surroundings. His limbs were heavy and slow to move. He stretched out his arms, softly groaning, and buried his face in his pillow in an effort to block out the sunlight. Sunlight meant it was day time but why didn’t his alarm go off. He was sure there was something that needed to be done today - there always is. 

 

Turning over, he peeled his eyes open, squinting at the light that streamed in from between his curtains. Jinyoung tiredly rubbed at his eyes and let out a final yawn. He looked around his room. 

 

His eyes widened as he blinked, taking in around his surroundings. Family pictures hanging on the wall next to a poster from what used to be his favorite movie. There were stickers in the shape of stars on the ceiling and his academic accomplishments lined up on a shelf. A worn out soccer ball laid by the closet door and the collection of his all-time favorite dramas laid next to his bed. 

 

His bed that now felt smaller since the last time he has laid in it. 

 

He was in his childhood home, his old room. But why? Weren't they in the middle of promoting their newest comeback? Are the others with their families too? 

 

Jinyoung swung his legs over the edge of the mattress causing a notebook to fall to the ground that had apparently been lying on his bed. Jinyoung picked up the book, his eyebrows drawn together in confusion. He doesn’t ever remember owning this. He shook it out and placed it on his bed. He’ll take a look at it later. Right now, he wanted to see his family. 

 

Jinyoung quickly brushed his teeth and brushed his hair down from its wild bedhead. He changed out of his pajamas into a shirt from his dresser and a pair of shorts. He is used to having to get ready with six other men in a limited time so it doesn’t take him very long. 

 

As he made his way downstairs, Jinyoung paused in the hallway to look at the photos that hung on the wall. Being an Idol was a busy life, so busy Jinyoung forgot to miss home sometimes. But being here now, his hand tracing the frame of a picture of him and his sisters, Jinyoung missed it terribly. 

 

There is noise coming from the kitchen as Jinyoung continued his descent. There was something sizzling and plates being set down. Jinyoung slowly peeked into the kitchen. 

 

His mother was right there with an apron on and a spatula in her hand, her face wrinkled in concentration as she carefully flipped an egg, not noticing Jinyoung. Her hair was tied up with a bandana but a couple of strands still fell into her face. Jinyoung admired her for a few moments before he finally stepped forward, revealing himself. 

 

His mother looked up and she smiled so beautifully as she gazed at him lovingly. Her eyes crinkled as she beckoned him closer. Jinyoung didn’t waste a second. She barely had time to put the spatula down before Jinyoung was barreling into her, holding her as tight as he could without crushing the small woman. 

 

She gave him a squeeze and a loving pat before pulling back, looking up at him affectionately. “Breakfast is almost ready,” she said, picking the spatula back up. 

 

“Oh, that’s what I smell? I thought I smelled something burning,” Jinyoung teased because why not. He was home with his mother who he hadn’t seen in so long. 

 

His mother tsked at him, threatening to hit him with the spatula, laughter dancing in her eyes. Jinyoung felt himself smile widely, his eyes crinkling at the corners. 

 

“Since you wanna be a little brat, go and set the table,” she ordered with her hands on her hips. Jinyoung sighed dramatically but complied and gave her a quick kiss. She swatted at him which he easily dodged. “Your sister should be done shortly,” she added as Jinyoung grabbed the plates. 

 

Excitement thrummed through Jinyoung. “Really? Which one?” he asked but his mother didn’t get to answer. Footsteps patted down the staircase and they both turned to see Doyoung smiling prettily down at Jinyoung. 

 

Jinyoung breathed out her name before launching himself to her. She giggled as she pulled him into a hug, the two siblings almost tripping over the last step. 

 

Jinyoung pulled back and examined his older sister. Her hair was long and had highlights and she was wearing glasses that Jinyoung doubted she actually needed. But she looked older, as if a couple of years had passed, not a few months. Jinyoung wondered how much Sooyoung changed too. 

 

Jinyoung excitedly asked her several questions about her life now to catch up and she answered them with a patient if a little strained, smile. It was probably because of how excited he was but he couldn't help it. He has always been close with his sisters. 

 

“Alright now, it's time for breakfast,” their mom announced, gaining their attention. Jinyoung realized that he’ll be eating in mom’s homemade food. His stomach rumbled. Oh, it’s been too long. 

 

While eating, Jinyoung told them about recent updates about his life. They were in the middle of promoting their newest comeback and they actually got invited to go on so many shows. In past years, Jinyoung admitted that they were not the best promoted, especially in Korea. But this time the group worked really hard to gain spots on these shows, especially their leader. 

 

Jinyoung wondered if this was a surprise from the leader, giving them a small break for all their hard work. If so, Jinyoung hoped he too was resting. A soft smile grew of his face at the thought of all of his members with their families because they all needed a break. They all worked so hard. 

 

Since his mom and sister were now engaged in a conversation, Jinyoung wanted to check in with them. He reached in his pocket, grasping at nothing. He must have left his phone upstairs in his room. 

 

He politely excused himself, already turning around before he could see the worried looks his family gave him. He continued his way, softly humming to himself. 

 

When he arrived at his room, he took a moment to look around again. It was so weird being here again, seeing things like they always were. Now though, he noticed a few things different. 

 

Oddly enough, the strangest thing was that his room looked like someone lived there. A pile of dirty clothes laid in a cloth hamper and books scattered on his desk. There was trash in his trash bin and an empty mug of which looked to have been some hot cocoa. 

 

Jinyoung stood in the middle of his room, looking around perplexed. For as far as he knows, he had arrived last night. Sure, he couldn’t remember when he had arrived but he guessed he was just experiencing a temporary memory lapse. 

 

Moving over to his nightstand, Jinyoung was resolved to figure this out right here and now. He grabbed his phone, only to find that the device was dead. Jinyoung groaned and toss it on his bed. He didn’t even know where his charger was at. 

 

Scanning his room, the charger isn't laying anywhere in plain sight. It wasn’t by his bed or on his desk. Spotting something near his bookshelf, Jinyoung wandered over, bending down to the bottom shelf. His face fell, disappointed to see it was just some sort of black bracelet and not his charger. 

 

Glancing to his shelf, two books caught his interest. 

 

The first one look like some sort of textbook. Pulling it out, the looseleaf book fell into his hands and he squinted at the title. Whenever did he get a book about the psychology of memory? He flipped through it, diagrams and pictures catching his eyes but he didn’t pause to look at them. Maybe it was one of his sisters’? 

 

Jinyoung shrugged and put the book back. Now, the second book immediately took all of his attention. He carefully took the book off the shelf. It was one that he always had wanted to read but for some reason, he never had the chance to. 

 

He ran his finger alone the worn spine, letting his thumb fiddled with the weathered pages, obviously been read before. Maybe his sisters? They did have a similar taste after all. Choosing not to dwell on it, Jinyoung eagerly set into reading it, quickly forgetting what he was previously looking for. 

 

Jinyoung doesn’t know how much time has passed. He was lost in his book, the storytelling of a young girl on a quest to find her missing family. She doesn’t know how she lost them and she doesn’t have a lot of clues to where they might be. But her fierce determination to keep looking struck a chord in Jinyoung. He needed to find out if she ever found where her family is. He had just started reading it but there was something about her story that made Jinyoung want to see how it ends.

 

The girl with strong loyalty and love for her family. Imagine her joy when she’ll be reunited with them, with her siblings. She planned on spending the rest of her life trying to find them. 

 

Jinyoung is 2/3 through his book when someone knocks on his door. Jinyoung startled, almost dropping the book on his face. He just managed to turn his head in time so the book lands on the top of his head instead. Jinyoung sat up, rubbing at his head as he cursed whoever was knocking on the door. It was probably just Yugyeom again, probably wanting food or wanting to watch something on the television with Jinyoung. 

 

“Come in!” Jinyoung yelled, looking down as he focused on trying to find the page he was on. He was getting near the end, the story at its climax. The main character had discovered some clues about her family and she had just arrived in the town that it all led her to. Jinyoung would rather just finish his book, but he knew he would just keep being bothered until he gave in. He might as well see what whoever at the door wanted and then finish his book. 

 

The door opened and Jinyoung glanced up at the sound, ready to pretend to be annoyed at whoever was interrupting him. 

 

The words died in his throat as he stared at his mother. She poked her head in and when her gaze landed on Jinyoung, she smiled softly. 

 

“Reading on the floor again, Jinnie?” She laughed and shook her head but Jinyoung was frozen. She really was standing there in front of him. 

 

Jinyoung stumbled to his feet and hurried to her, not hesitating to wrap his arms around her. 

 

“Mom?! I’ve missed you so much! What are you doing here?” Jinyoung exclaimed, pulling back to look at his mother expectantly. She smiled but Jinyoung blinked at the sight of it, taking a double take. This wasn’t a happy or fond smile. 

 

No, this smile was filled with pain and tiredness.

 

“Is everything okay?” Jinyoung asked, his forehead creasing in worry. Something was off here. Jinyoung slowly tore his eyes away from his mother’s sad brown ones and looked around them. 

 

Wait. 

 

This wasn’t the dorms. It took him a couple of seconds to piece it together. 

 

“Wait, I’m at home. When did I get here? What’s going on?” Jinyoung searched his mother’s eyes but she looked away. Jinyoung watched as she walked over to his desk. She picked up a framed photo of Jinyoung with the rest of Got7. It was from the day when they won their first award as a group of seven. They all were so happy. Jinyoung remembered thinking that he could do anything with as long as he had these six men next to his side. 

 

Jinyoung’s mother stroked the side of the frame, smiling softly at them all. 

 

“Mom?” Jinyoung questioned, shifting unsurely on his feet. There was something that he was missing. Something big. 

 

She sighed and put the picture back. Reaching over, she gently took Jinyoung’s hand and led them to sit on his childhood bed. Jinyoung sat down hesitantly. His mother looked down at their hands, her own massaging his. She stayed silent, just moving her hands over Jinyoung’s, her eyes downward. 

 

Jinyoung knew not to push someone when they had something to say. Though Jaebum was the leader, all of the members had at one point or another came to him with something they needed to talk about. Jinyoung, of course, didn't mind. Jaebum had his hands full with lots of things and Jinyoung would help ease his burden anyway he could. Jinyoung wondered why they all went to him but he never asked. Sometimes he didn’t have to wait, especially with Bambam and Jackson. Mark hyung, Youngjae, and Yugyeom were a little bit more hesitant. Even Jaebum didn’t always say what was bothering him right away. Jinyoung quickly learned that patience was important. 

 

But right now, all Jinyoung wanted to do was shake his mom and beg her to tell him what the hell was going on. 

 

“There was an accident,” she finally spoke, so soft that Jinyoung almost missed it. It took a couple of seconds to register in head what she said. 

 

_An accident._

 

Jinyoung shifted and swallowed. “What kind of accident?” He asked, equally as soft. Jinyoung’s mother cleared her throat. 

 

“Um...well there was a car accident,” she managed out. “And...um well, involving you and the others.” 

 

She was referring to the rest of his group, that was clear. Jinyoung unconsciously tightened his hold on her hands. 

 

“The others? They’re fine right? They’ll just at home resting up too? Mom?” Jinyoung felt panic grow the longer it took his mother to answer. Why isn’t she looking at him? 

 

Jinyoung let go of her hands and grasped her shoulders instead. His knuckles were white and he hoped he wasn’t hurting her but he also couldn’t think about that because he needed to know. They _had_ to be okay. 

 

“There was only one survivor,” she whispered, looking at him with tears in her eyes. Jinyoung physically stumbled back, almost pushing himself off the bed. 

 

His heart pounded loudly in his ears. 

 

_One survivor._

 

_Just one._

 

“I’m the only-” Jinyoung cut himself off, feeling nauseous. He pressed his sweaty hand to his mouth, in a poor attempt to keep his insides where they belong. His mother grabbed his trash can and managed to get it under his face right when he heaved up all the contents in his stomach. 

 

“No, no, this isn’t true. This is a bad dream. This _cannot_ be happening,” Jinyoung gasped out. His members, no his _family_. They couldn’t all be-- 

 

Jinyoung grabbed the trash can again. He emptied out everything and then some. The smell of whatever he had eaten earlier overwhelmed him and he turned away. His mother ran into his bathroom. Jinyoung didn’t do anything to stop her, just kept breathing hard as he squeezed his eyes shut. 

 

_Bambam._

 

A cool cloth pressed against his forehead. 

 

_Jackson._

 

A small hand grasped his trembling one. 

 

_Mark-hyung._

 

Words whispered in his ear that he couldn’t understand. 

 

_Youngjae._

 

Kisses planted on the top of his head. 

 

_Jaebum._

 

Tears falling on his white shirt. 

 

_Yugyeom._

 

Jinyoung slowly raised his head and his mother wiped at his mouth. Jinyoung stared at his mom with a disturbed face. 

 

“Was I in a coma? Did I just wake up? I don’t remember,” he trailed off looking down at his hands as if they were the ones that personally caused the accident. 

 

Jinyoung’s mother rubbed his hair softly. “Honey, the accident happened three years ago.” 

 

Jinyoung jerked in shock and gaped at her. “I don’t understand,” Jinyoung replied dumbfounded. 

 

“After the accident, you were in a coma for about a month. When you woke up, after the doctors examined you, you were diagnosed with two kinds of amnesia. The first one is retrograde, you can’t remember the accident itself, though you do remember things before it. The second one, anterograde amnesia, or not being able to form new memories.” 

 

Jinyoung stared blankly at her. “Not being able to create new memories?” 

 

She nodded sadly. “The doctor explained it like every day is a new fresh slate. Anything that was there from the previous day, or sometimes even hours before, gets completely erased.” 

 

Jinyoung is starting to get a headache. “You mean, I’ve been living here for the past 3 years, forgetting each day in one big endless cycle?!” He didn’t mean to raise his voice but he couldn't help it. His whole world had been turned upside down because of some accident and apparently, he couldn’t even remember it or any of the days after. 

 

But the fact that he lost his memory or whatever didn’t even bother him as much as it did other things. 

 

One. The world lost six amazing, wonderfully talented and caring men, because of some stupid accident and somehow Jinyoung was the only one to survive. Who was he to be able to stay here while the best six guys he’s ever known didn’t? 

 

Two. The fact that his mother probably had to go through this on a daily basis. Telling him this, having to see him break over and over again, cleaning up his tears and only having to do it again the next day. 

 

His strong, beautiful mother who stood before him looking tired and worn. 

 

He did that to her. 

 

“I’m so sorry, mom. I’m so so sorry,” Jinyoung sobbed, his tears falling freely and as well as his heart. His mother bend down and gathered him in her arms, rocking them back and forth. 

 

Jinyoung cried and cried. He mourned for his friends and the heartache his mother must have gone through all these years. 

 

She shushed him, whispering soft reassurance in his ear. Jinyoung kept holding on. 

 

Eventually, his mother pulled away and wiped her sleeves at his swollen eyes and wet cheeks. She stood up, helping Jinyoung to his feet. 

 

“Are you hungry?” She asked tenderly. Jinyoung shook his head. He doesn’t know if he’ll ever be able to eat again. 

 

“Do you have to go through the same thing every day?” Jinyoung rushed out. She glanced at Jinyoung. 

 

“No, not always the same. Sometimes I am able to distract you or convince you that I’ll explain tomorrow. Some days you come downstairs and stay the whole day and I have to tell you later. Some days you know something is wrong right away and you immediately demand an answer. There’s been a couple of times when you don’t even leave your room.” 

 

“Why would that be?” Jinyoung replied. His mother walked over to the other side of his bed. 

 

“I’m guessing because you read this first and decided not to come down.” 

 

She held up a notebook that Jinyoung never saw before. It looked like one of the diary type ones, with a worn, but nice, leather covering. He automatically reached for it and she handed it over. 

 

“It is a journal you’ve kept ever since about a year after you got out of the hospital. Technically that’s your second one, because the first one is full.” 

 

Jinyoung opened the journal, his brain having a hard time comprehending the dates written above every entry. To him, these dates were in the future, but to everyone else, they already had happened. 

 

“You wanted to keep evidence of days happening,” his mother continued to explain. “Sometimes you don’t believe me, you get so upset. But then you’ll see this and know that I wasn’t lying.” 

 

A lot of the entries were similar. They all talked about him waking up and not knowing how he got home. And then how he was explained what had happened. In bold print, as if he retraced the words over and over, he had written it in every entry.

 

**Don’t forget them. No matter what. They are your family and even though they are gone, you will not forget your brothers. They mean the world to you and nothing can take their memory away from you.**

 

There was a couple of pages dedicated to each member, all under the same date as if he had written down everything he remembered about them all right then and there, down to the smallest detail. 

 

Jinyoung glanced up from his book to see his mother watching him carefully as if she was waiting for him to do something. What she was waiting for, he didn’t know. 

 

He cleared his throat which seemed to snap out of whatever she was thinking about. 

 

“You wanna watch a movie?” She suggested suddenly. Jinyoung didn’t really want to. But he didn’t want her to leave the room. Do they just stay in silence? Did they watch movies a lot after he is told? 

 

Her eyes were hopeful, though she didn’t push him. She waited patiently, her hands folded on top of each other. 

 

Jinyoung is feeling a lot of emotions right now, all mixed up in a horrible confusing mess. He was devastated, angry, grateful for having his mom who is with him even after all of this. He wanted to scream, cry, demand answers of why? Why did this have to happen to him - _to them?_

 

Jinyoung finally nodded and his mom went over to his collection and grabbed a movie. 

 

Jinyoung doesn’t end up paying attention to the movie. It’s some English romance comedy but Jinyoung had no desire to laugh. He knew his mom was just trying to help, probably just to distract him. 

 

How can they be gone? 

 

Jinyoung did care about the whole double amnesia thing but Jinyoung will forget every single day for eternity if it meant they were still here. They have been a group together for two years. Jinyoung has never been closer to any other guys in his whole life. 

 

To his knowledge, an accident never happened. It felt as if he was never in one. As if this never happened. He hasn’t experienced three years worth of grief and sadness, only he has. But to him, it only felt like this would have happened yesterday. 

 

Jinyoung swiped his thumb against his journal. He opened it slowly, taking a glance at his mother. Either she was so engrossed in the movie or she simply ignored that his attention was wavering from the film. 

 

Jinyoung started to read, disappointed the first entries aren't here. He mother did mention that he had another. Jinyoung is surprised that he remembered that but considering she told him 20 minutes ago, he guessed that he could remember some things for a short time. 

 

He read through many emotions as he skipped around the dates. Some entries were short and simple while others were pages long. He reacted to what happened differently, sometimes he got angry, other times something similar to today happened, while still other times he’ll have no reaction. Just stared at the wall or wrote stuff in here. 

 

_January 18, 2018_

_Mom told me that they all are dead. I asked her for a ride. Right now, we are in the car on our way to the tattoo parlor. She asked if I was sure I wanted to this. I told her yes._

_I wanted them to be with me forever._

 

Jinyoung blinked in surprise. He had a tattoo? Where? Jinyoung started rolling up his sleeves and shirt in an effort to find it. 

 

“It's own your lower back,” his mom spoke up, not taking her eyes off the screen. She grabbed her phone and opened her pictures, before passing it over to him. 

 

There was his lower back, he assumed. Dark ink was etched into his skin, with dark green undertones. There was a heptagon symbol, in the middle 7for7, and underneath, all of their names. It wasn't extremely extricated but Jinyoung liked it anyway. 

 

Jinyoung handed her phone back and picked up his journal again. Other than the sounds from the movie, they sit in silence as Jinyoung read through numerous entries.

 

Jinyoung guessed the date of the accident was March 20, 2016. It was mentioned in a couple of the entries. That would make sense because anything that Jinyoung can remember happened before that date. No matter how hard he tried, Jinyoung couldn’t recall the accident, not at all. The last thing he remembers was all of them together and everyone was laughing and having fun. He smiled as he thought of Jackson and that dumb camera he took everywhere. Jackson had gotten into a phase where he thought it was important to record everything. Jinyoung was listening to music and he remembered thinking how lucky he was for gaining six wonderful brothers. 

 

Jinyoung blinked at one of the entries. His eyes quickly scanned the paragraph, more and more becoming disturbed. 

_July 29, 2018_

_I have never broken a bone in my life. At least from what I remembered. But now I have a cast on my left arm._

_I don’t remember how I got it._

_Mom says we were at a park. There was a tall tree and when she wasn’t paying attention, I climbed it._

_She said she called me back down once she realized how high I had gotten._

_As I was climbing back down, I slipped and fell, breaking my arm._

_At least, that is what she told me._

_Honestly, I don’t think I fell._

_Every man has his breaking point._

_And waking up everyday, not being able to remember yesterday and being told again and again that your best friends are all dead._

_That could break me._

_But what do I know? It’s not like I remember it anyway._

 

Jinyoung looked up from his book and sure enough, his eyes quickly landed on a white, blank cast. He stared at it, aghast at what it represented. He tried to...or at least he thought that’s what he was trying to do. 

 

Was he trying to join them? Be reunited with his brothers once again? 

 

Though it only it feels like a day or so have passed since he’s seen them, his heart aches as if it knows its been years. There is something that is missing, a void that he knows that only Got7 could fill. 

 

But what about his mom? After all that she does for him? He does feel like a burden but he can’t even imagine how upset she would be if he took his own life. 

 

Jinyoung’s thoughts must have been really different that day. And that scared him. 

 

Because he won’t remember today, won’t remember how horrified he felt when he read that. He won’t remember that he thought he should never attempt something like that again. 

 

What if he woke up tomorrow and whatever caused him to try the first time happens again? 

 

Maybe he should stick a post-it note on his head that said _Hey don’t try anything stupid when you get the bad news._ He’ll probably just think one of the younger members (or Jackson) was pulling a prank. 

 

He sat back, pressing the heels of his palms into his eyes until it was painful. 

 

What was he supposed to do now? He guessed he could keep reading, there were a few more entries. Did he want to read more about how he had to go through every day? How he is going to have to go through it throughout the rest of his life. 

 

His mom stood up and Jinyoung watched as she made her way toward his door. 

 

“W-wait,” he stuttered out. 

 

She gave him a gentle smile. “I’m just gonna get some food for us, it’s almost dinner time and you must be hungry.” 

 

Jinyoung glanced at the clock on his nightstand. He didn’t even realize it had gotten that late. He swallowed and made sure his face was carefully blank when he turned back toward her. “Okay,” he nodded stiffly. “I’ll just come and help you.” 

 

Her eyes are soft. “I’m just going to warm some leftovers. I’ll be back in a few minutes,” she reassured. Jinyoung stayed quiet and she gave him one last smile before leaving. 

 

As soon as Jinyoung is left alone, it suddenly felt as if someone had a hand around his throat, constricting his breathing. The room was smaller and the walls started to close in on him. His arms shook as he wrapped them around himself, trying to calm himself down. He didn’t know why all of a sudden he felt like he couldn’t breathe but pure terror gripped his shattering heart and tears started to stream down his face. 

 

_She’ll be back. She’s only gone for a few minutes. She didn’t leave you. She said she’ll be right back. You won’t forget again. You have to keep thinking about her. You’re at home. Your mom went downstairs for a few moments but she’ll be right back. You remember you wont forget she will backjustberightback_

 

A clatter of dishes against his desk echoes across the room but Jinyoung didn’t even flinch. A pair of cold hands grasped his face desperately. Arms grabbed him in an embrace and rock him back and forth, hurried words whispered in his ear. 

 

“Jinnie? Oh, baby, it’s okay. Momma is right here, sweetie, I got you.” 

 

Jinyoung heard these words but he couldn't focus on them. He was just trying to breathe 

 

“In and out Jinnie, count with me-” 

 

Jinyoung breaths came out in haggard and harsh stutters as he tried to follow along. He pressed his face into his mom’s chest, his arms wrapping around her small waist tightly as he took a deep breath, shuttering as he released it. Tears still dripped down his face as he sobbed into her shirt. 

 

“Mom, don’t leave me. Please, I can’t forget you. I can’t forget them. My family. I can’t,” he basically ranted hysterically. She smoothed down his hair, nodding and whispering reassurances against the side of his head. She rocked him back and forth until he is hiccuping against her. 

 

She raised his head up and wiped his tears away and he stared at the wall behind her, not wanting to meet her eyes after his panic attack(?). It felt like there was a heavy stone where his heart used to be. His mother smiled sadly at him before standing up and grabbing the food she had quickly placed on his dresser when she came in. 

 

Jinyoung is too preoccupied with trying to keep reminding himself where he is and who he is with and what had happened to notice until she is sitting next to him and nudging a bowl into his hands. 

 

He took the bowl automatically. He gave a little bow and started to eat, staring blankly at the wall. 

 

He couldn’t forget. He will make sure he remembered everything from now on. Even if that meant staying up all night. 

 

(Realistically Jinyoung knows that he couldn’t never go to sleep again but Jinyoung also knows that he’ll do anything for his boys. And right now, he can trick himself into thinking that it was possible.) 

 

His mom was talking about his sisters and his father. What they were doing now and oh his father got a new job that he really liked. Jinyoung wasn’t listening. 

 

How could he? 

 

Though he isn’t really listening, Jinyoung made sure to keep her voice in his head. He’s not listening to the words but he can hear her. That’s his mom talking. Jinyoung still isn’t looking at her and he’s grateful she’s talking. What if she stopped and he didn’t look at her and forgot she was even in the room with him? Was that possible? 

 

Then again? The possibility of losing everyone he loved never crossed his mind before. It was like Jinyoung took them all for granted and now he was one of those people that had regrets. A storm of regrets of ‘what ifs’? 

 

“Jinnie?” His mom called. She was there and he remembered. He tilted his head in acknowledgment as he stared at the photo on his desk. Her fingers took his bowl out of his hands and stood up. He panicked but she simply puts them down on his dresser before returning back to his side. 

 

“What time is it?” 

 

Jinyoung voiced, realizing he had no idea what the answer to that question. Judging by the orange rays of light casting shadows into his room, it was evening and the sun was going down. But he guessed it also didn’t matter. 

 

What need of the time was there when seconds, minutes, years go by and all without his knowledge? 

 

“It is seven oh eight.” 

 

Jinyoung nodded at the information. The whole day had passed already basically. When did he wake up? How long has he actually been awake? Of course, he doesn’t remember it. 

 

“Now what?” Jinyoung muttered, his fingers picking at his shorts. There wasn’t anything on them -- he just needed to do something.

 

“Sometimes you write or tell me about your time as an idol. Other times we just watch movies,” she replied softly. She didn’t mention anything like “until you fall asleep” or “until we go to bed”. Jinyoung guessed it was probably because, in the past, he also didn’t want to fall asleep. He doesn’t like that thought. That means each time he tried to stay up, he failed and really doesn’t want to think about that. He will not be going to sleep tonight. 

 

So they did all of that. He talked and then she talked and then neither of them talked as they watched a couple of movies. They played a couple of board games and then some card ones. They played hand games and danced and sang together. (Jinyoung was glad to find out he somehow still remembered the songs he had already knew.) His mom brought out a pack of energy drinks and Jinyoung ignored the fact that they were already in his room as if she knew there would be no way for her to leave to get them from downstairs. 

 

Jinyoung was on his third drink when he heard snoring coming from next to him. He turned and saw that his mother was fast asleep. Swallowing thickly, he carefully maneuvered her into a comfortable position on the bed before settling back on his side. 

 

This was fine. 

 

She was probably really tired and he didn’t have it in him to wake her up. Besides, she’s right here next to him, her cold feet against his ankle. He doesn’t move an inch. 

 

He just needed to stay up, just keep glancing at her and not forget. 

 

Jinyoung grabbed his journal thing and decided maybe he should just read through the rest of it. Or should he write an entry for today? It might help him focus his thoughts of what had happened today to help him remember. 

 

So that is what Jinyoung did. He wrote even the smallest details that he could remember, down to what the temperature was in the room. (He actually doesn’t remember but does anyone so he just puts what normal room temperature usually is.) 

 

Every once in a while, Jinyoung looked over at his mom. He hasn’t forgotten yet. This might actually work. 

 

But then Jinyoung’s eyelids get heavy. And he fights and he fights. His body is physically too exhausted to get out of bed so he tried to keep his mind busy. He came up with random facts, random math problems - _anything_ that would keep him awake. He’s going to have to tell his mom tomorrow to get stronger energy drinks or something because these aren’t working and oh yeah he should probably write that down cause what if he doesn’t remember to tell her? Then he’ll be stuck with these ones again tomorrow and they won’t keep him up and they will never keep him up and 

 

he’ll never not forget 

 

Jinyoung’s hand goes slack, his notebook settling against its familiar place against his side. 

 

Jinyoung doesn’t know he is asleep. He doesn’t dream. And if he did, he wouldn’t remember it. 

 

All he is going to know in the morning is that he is proud of what they have done, what they have become as a family. He is going to know that it was Bambam’s turn to make breakfast and that means he probably needed to go down and help. He is going to know that they have another full day of being an idol and though it’s hard, it was worth it. 

 

And then he is going to open his eyes to a strangely unfamiliar but at the same time familiar room. 

 

Opening his eyes to the new world he was in. One that didn’t contain his best friends. 

 

And then his only wish, his only prayer after that 

 

is please don’t let him ever close his eyes again


End file.
